The Dance and the DOOMED
by Mr. Smith1991
Summary: In an act of bitterness towards her annoying brother, Gaz asks (demands) Zim to take her to the big Skool Dance. What could possibly go horribly wrong? Space Bikers.
1. Chapter 1

Monday Morning. Twas a day beloved and revered by soulless, corporate workaholics everywhere. To everyone else it was misery. None felt this misery more so than the occupants of Skool Room Thirteen. Both teacher and students alike were miserable in Skool Room Thirteen, but it was hard to tell which party currently held the most misery. Was it the skoolchildren, dragged out of their warm beds five days out of every week to attend lesson on the soulcrushing reality of life? Or was it the teacher, whom was forced to deal with swarms of squealing, hyperactive, ungrateful children day-in-and-day-out?

Let us just assume that it was a fifty-fifty split, shall we?

Of course, this assumption would soon be rendered irrelevant as an announcement over the Skool speakers would soon cause some of the skoolchildren's misery to dissipate and tip the scale of misery back towards the teacher.

"... and that, children. Is why, despite the ILLUSION of democracy, we're all just living in one enormous Plutocracy! Controlled by Corporate Shareholders who hoard wealth and power like so many of your parents hoard garbage to fill the gaping holes in their petty, worthless lives!"

Several of the skoolchildren were begining to implode from depression when the P.A. System crackled to life, the cheery, posh, brainwashed voice of Skool President Willy pouring forth from the speakers.

"Greetings, chums and chumettes! This is Skool President William with a special announcement for you all! Our great and wonderful Skoolboard have graciously decided to schedule a dance this friday! The theme of the dance will be Mad Cow Disease, so be sure to bust a MOO-ve on the dancefloor! Ho-ho! Attendance-is-mandatory-any-and-all-skoolchildren- not-attending-the-dance-will-be-fined-and-given-a- prison-sentence-of-no-less-than-three-years. Chip-chip-cheerio! And see you all at the dance!"

The resulting excitement demonstrated from the skoolchildren upon hearing this news put riots to shame.

* * *

It was Wednesday when the Skoolboard finally regained control of the Skool and things were finally back on track, despite the presence of the Skool Guard. The debris in the halls and classrooms had been cleared away and replaced by posters and fliers announcing the upcoming dance. It was lunchtime and the skoolchildren were all chittering and chattering excitedly about the upcoming dance. Rumors of who was going with who began to circulate amongst the student body. It seemed as though all but a few had found themselves partners to take to the dance. Said few, and this would surprise no one, included the paranoid, big-headed boy, his scary sister, and the ugly green kid.

"I bet it'll be a robot."

Gaz grunted, not bothering to look up from her lunch as her brother theorized.

"I bet it explodes or starts vomiting oil or something like that!"

The violet-haired girl sighed, regretting the words that left her mouth almost instantly. "What are you talking about NOW, DIB."

"Zim. Just look at him!" The big-headed boy motioned towards the green-skinned boy across the lunchroom. "He's got that look..."

"What look?"

Dib scowled and clenched his fist as he spoke. "That smug look... I know that look. Look around, Gaz. Everyone is partnered up for the dance except for him!"

"Pfft! We aren't, either." The doomchild pointed out, watching as Poonchy threw a wadded up napkin at the trash can. As the napkin missed the trashcan and landed upon the floor, the Skool Guard surrounded the sweatband-wearing child with their plexiglass shields and started to club him with electrified nightsticks.

"Well... yeah. But, Zim will want to fit in, so he'll definitely try and show up with a date! And seeing as how he's not going with anyone from the skool, that means he'll probably have a robot or a clone or something back at his base that he's gonna bring!"

"And you care, why?" Gaz said, leaning on her elbow.

"Because it'll probably end up exploding or eating a tablecloth or something! And I'll be there, POINTING at it! Man, am I ever gonna point at it! Probably laugh, too." Dib grinned a wicked grin as he thought about all the pointing and or laughing he was going to do come friday. "I think I'm going to start right now!"

Now, while it is well known that Gaz hates roughly ninety-nine percent of everything, give or take, there is nothing she hates quite so much as the snorting, wheezing, HAPPY sound of her brother's laughter. She groaned, attempting to focus her hearing upon something, ANYTHING other than that horrible, nasally sound coming from her sibling. Unfortunately, her ears fell upon the skoolchild Jessica, the de facto popular kid.

"I know, right? I bet she ends up going to the dance with her brother. The loser. All she ever does is play that STUPID game! And she eats like a pig! I bet she weighs like seven-hundred pounds when she grows up-" It was at that point that the blonde girl found herself facedown in her mashed potatoes, beginning to suffocate upon the semi-liquid spuds as the girl she was gossiping about was holding her head down with one hand.

Gaz found that every-so-often she had to remind the other children about their place in the world in regards to talking about her. Hearing the heavy, jackbooted footsteps of the Skool Guard approaching behind her, Gaz whipped her head around, giving the encroaching thugs a stink eye so pungent it could peel wallpaper. For the first time in a long while, the Skool Guards knew fear, backing away from the nightmare child as she continued to assert her dominance. The violent, violet-haired girl pulled Jessica's face from the spuds, the blonde coughed and gasped for air.

"You little freak-" With a flick of her wrist, Gaz sent the Jessica's head bouncing off the table, causing the mouthy blonde to fall groaning to the floor. Well, that was one problem solved, Jessica's clique seemed sufficiently terrified of her now, the air around them stinking of fear. And just the faintest hint of urine.

Gaz would have allowed herself to feel just the slightest bit of happiness if it weren't for that sound. That awful, snorty, HAPPY sound. Dib was still laughing at the thought of Zim's pitiful future attempts to fit in. The doomchild considered doing what she had just done to Jessica to her sibling in order to put an end to the asthmatic-hyenasque laughter coming from his noisehole. But, that was always only a temporary solution. No, for this Gaz would need to be more creative. She needed something cruel. Something psychological.

Something green.

There was another laugh currently filling the air, she realized. This one was a lot more maniacal, which was appropriate as it belonged to an evil, alien invader. Snapping her head to her right, towards the almost empty table at which sat her brother's green-skinned nemesis. He continued to laugh for a moment longer before noticing that his laughter had drawn the attention of the plum-headed doomchild, instantly shutting up and looking down at the "food" on his tray, hoping that the girl's vision worked like that of a tyrannosaurus'. He looked up in shock at the sound of Gaz sitting down across from him at the table.

"Zim..."

"TAKEITIT'SALLIHAVEDON'THURTME!" Zim had decided to do the sensible thing and hand over all the currency on his person to the avatar of pain sitting in front of him. Gaz suddenly found herself stared at a gloved fist full of dollars, briefly tempted to take the money and be on her way, she fought the urge, she had come here for a different purpose. Brushing the bribe away and grabbing the terrified Irken by the front of his uniform and pulling him towards her.

"Listen carefully, Zim. I'm only going to ask this once." Gaz took a deep breath before forcing out the next couple of words as though they were physically hurting her to say, face twisting, sneering and twitching as she spoke.

"WILL... YOOOOOU... GO... TO... THEEEE... DAAAANCE... WITH... MEEEEEE?"

"Eh?" The Irken said, obviously not getting the message that she was only going to say this once. Gaz gave the alien a deadpanned look before raising her fist. His artificial pupils shrinking to pinpricks, Zim held up the money again, "DON'THURTME!"

"Yes or no, Zim."

"Well, I've already got an ingenious plan to- YES! YES! OF COURSE!" The Irken said, cowering as Gaz started to draw her fist back. Satisfied with this answer, the doomchild released her hold upon Zim's uniform, letting the Irken fall back to his seat.

"Good, be at my house at six on friday. And wear something less stupid." She grumbled as she got up from the table and strode back over to the table her brother was currently having a laughing fit on. She decided to put an end to that.

"Zim's taking me to the dance this friday."

Dib's laughter instantly ceased. Looking at his sister with eyes the size of buffet platters, he started to sputter. He was obviously trying to communicate, but he no longer seemed to have the capacity beyond gasping, wheezing, stuttering, sputtering and clutching at his heart, painfully.

Gaz highly preferred this noise to the laughter.

* * *

That afternoon, Zim walked through the Men's Room Door that was the front door of his base to proudly announce his success (as it were). "Change of plans! The Gaz-worm has agreed to be Zim's date to the dance! Operation: Ugly Cousin will no longer be needed!"

Skoodge, who was currently wearing a pigtailed version of his holographic human disguise and was being fitted for a dress by GIR and Minimoose, looked a tiny bit disappointed.

"... I can still keep the dress, right?"


	2. Chapter 2

It was Friday, now. The night of the dance. Skoolchildren all over the city were preparing for the brief, fleeting night of enjoyment provided to them by the Skoolboard. One Skoolchild in particular was especially busy preparing for the oncoming social event. Albeit, he wasn't so much a child as he was a centuries-old alien invader, but let's not nitpick. Aforementioned Invader had just spent the major of his spare time since Wednesday down in the depths of his Base in a subsection of the Lab he had named the Making Stuff Room, hunched over a workbench.

"Aha! It is finished!" Exclaimed the green-skinned demon from beyond the stars as he held up a microchip he had spent the last several days designing. "VICTORY!"

"Whoo!" Cheered the dumpy, ugly, OTHER space demon who was currently stuffing his face with a microwaved Vort Dog. "So, what is it?"

"A modified movement enforcement chip! I designed it a while back to force the Dib-beast to bash his ENORMOUS head against a wall until his brainmeats were the consistency of JELLY! Unfortunately, the stink-boy's cranium outlasted the wall and he was able to remove the chip from his head." Zim scowled as he recalled the memory, placing the chip upon a cybernetic pedestal. "Computer! Download Dance Subroutines into the M.E. Chip!"

"Download commencing."

The Irken folded his hands behind his back, turning around to address his portly friend, only to find that Skoodge was currently dressed in the outfit intended for the Operation that had been scrapped on Wednesday. "... Skoodge, why are you wearing that?"

"Oh, you know... in case... something goes wrong... I wanna be ready to... bail you out at a moment's notice!"

"It's that comfortable, eh?"

"Like you wouldn't believe!" Skoodge smiled, bouncing on his heels.

"Download complete."

"I'm modified the chip for use in a Pak and programmed it with a list of songs and their corresponding dances!" Zim grinned as he picked the chip up off the pedestal, detaching his Pak and placing it upon the workbench.

Skoodge was about to ask if modifying one's own life-giving Pak was wise when another question came to mind. "Hold on. What if the D.J. plays something you haven't programmed into the chip?"

Zim gave a chuckle as he inserted the chip and gestured to the neon-garbed, headphoned human suspended in a solution in one of the many subject tubes lining the walls. "I've already taken care of that!"

After installing the chip, the Irken reattached his Pak and opened a communication. "GIR! Has everything been set up according to plan?!"

"THERE'S COWS EVERYWHERE, MASTAH!"

"The turntable, GIR! Have you set up the turntable?!"

"Sure did! I's gonna be layin' down the beeeeeeaaaaaaaats! JUSTLIKEDIS! Omp-chikka-omp-chikka-omp-chikka-omp-chikka! Doodle-leet-deedle-leet! Doodle-leet-deedle-leet-" Zim cut off the communication in annoyance, turning back around to address Skoodge.

"As you can see, Skoodge. Your concern is not needed! Soon Zim shall assert his dominance over the other, feeble earthworms and be declared LORD OF THE DANCE! And by Earthen Skoolyard Law that will make Zim THE most popular of all the stink-children, they will worship me as through I were a-"

"ALERT! ALERT! MULTIPLE VESSELS DETECTED ENTERING THE SYSTEM!" The computer exclaimed, alarms going off all over the base. Zim growled as he rushed over to a nearby control panel and began to shut down the alarms.

"Bah! Who would DARE to invade my future planet THIS time?!" Slamming his fist upon the controls, a hologram of one of them vessels popped up. "Oh... NO!"

The hologram displayed what appeared to be the mix between a spaceship, a motorcycle and the Catacombs of Paris. It was a Space Bike covered in skulls. "...The Brudal."

"... Who?" Skoodge questioned, bits of Vort Dog tumbling out of his mouth.

"Skoooooooodge!" Zim said, hands on his hips in an _Oh, you!_ manner. "Did you skip class the day they had the lesson on planet Brud?"

The fat Irken gave a chuckle and responded, "Well, gee! I guess I must have forgotten after getting HORRIBLY maimed by something!"

Both Irkens had a grand old chuckle at this before Zim returned to being deadly serious. Bringing up a hologram of one of the Brudal, a large, hulking, gray-skinned, muscular humanoid with an enormous, jutting jaw and greasy black hair, he began to give much needed exposition. "The Brudal are a barbaric, warlike race from the planet Brud. Best known for their love of skulls, spikes and leather! As well as their skills with the Space Guitar!"

The hologram shimmered and was suddenly dressed in spiky, metal battle armor and was shredding a sick riff upon a battleaxe guitar. Skoodge was impressed, "Wow! Look at him go!"

"Yes. Using only their loud music and wild parties they managed to drive nearly all other races out of their system! As for the rest..." Zim pressed a button and a smaller, happier, friendlier alien appeared next to the Brudal, offering the larger creature a flower and a squeaky giggle. The gray-skinned brute gave a roar and stomped the happy alien until it was nothing but a puddle.

"Ew." Skoodge said, making a face disgust. "Guess they don't believe in Orbital Organic Sweeps, huh?"

"Luckily, the great, stupid beasts stick mostly to their own planet, all save for a few..." The Brudal hologram flickered again and was now riding a space bike while wearing a motorcycle space helmet. "Migratory bands of these Brudal Space Biker travel from planet to planet, partying upon each world they visit."

"That doesn't sound too bad!"

"Ho-ho! Foolish, stupid Skoodge... Here is a picture of one of the planets they visited." Zim said as he brought up a picture of a peaceful, utopian cityscape. "... and HERE is what it looked like AFTER the Brudal's party!"

And with just a push of a button, the utopia suddenly became garbage-filled ruins and the once-peaceful inhabitants turned into snarling mutants and vicious raiders.

"Wow, must have been some party." Skoodge said, watching as some of the bandits raced against each other in horrible, spiky scrap-vehicles. Zim nodded and turned off the hologram, leaving his portly friend a little disappointed, having wanted to see how the race turned out.

"And now they're coming to Earth." The Irken Invader clenched his fist and brought it down upon the panel in rage, "DOOKY! A week's worth of planning gone! Ah, well. If we leave now, we might be able to intercept them before they reach Neptune!"

"Oooooh no! I can't let you do that, buddy!" Skoodge said, crossing his arms, "You've been preparing for this dance all week! I ain't about to let you miss it!"

"Skoodge, if the Brudal arrive on Earth they'll reduce it to a stinking, garbage-filled ruin! Then WE won't get to do it!" Zim complained as the portly Irken started pushing him. "Think of the MISSION, Skoodge!"

"There's more to life than the mission, buddy!" Skoodge commented as an automatic changing chamber descended on Zim. "You go to the dance, I'LL go fight the Bruddle!"

"BRUDAL!" The Invader corrected as the chamber lifted to reveal the Irken dressed in a black top hat and tails. "FINE! Take Minimoose and the Voot Cruiser out to meet the stinking Space Bikers before they reach Earth! Computer! Prep the ship for space travel!"

Skoodge gave a big grin and a salute, "Don't worry about a thing, buddy! We'll drop you off at your date's house and stop those stinkin' bikers from invadin'! You can count on ME!"

"Can you put on pants, first?"

"... 'Kay."

* * *

After a quick drop-off at the Membrane House, Skoodge, after having changed back into his uniform, and Minimoose were on their way to combat the oncoming smelly, unwashed hordes of motor-mounted brutes. Sort of. "All we've got to do is convince them to have their party somewhere ELSE! How hard could that be? I'm sure they'll be willing to listen to reason."

Zim had forgotten to mention that Brudal hated most all forms of negotiation, as Skoodge was about to painfully discover.


	3. Chapter 3

Zim stared up at the sky, watching the Voot Cruiser shrink into the distance. He gave a sigh and turned towards the Membrane House. "I just hope torturing Skoodge keeps them occupied long enough for me to finish this stupid dance."

Stopping at the door, Zim did some last-minute primping, lifting his hat to run a hand through his fake hair and applying some Bacon-O Breathspray. After the resulting coughing fit, the Irken kicked open the door.

"GAZ-WORM! ZIM HAS ARRIVED TO SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR PIT-I-FUL FEET!" The Invader proudly announced, holding a claw up to the heavens. Zim's prideful grin faded quickly and was replaced by a squeak of fear as he noticed the tall, imposing figure of Gaz' father towering over him, eyes narrowed and hands folded behind his back.

"Why don't you have a seat." Professor Membrane said, glaring down at the terrified, little alien.

* * *

Meanwhile, upstairs in her lair of doom and various stuffed animals, Little Miss Demon-Seed was preparing for what she felt was going to be one of the worst nights of her life. Activating Mirror Mode on her impressive computer rig, she took a good long look at herself. Her usual attire had been replaced by a dark-purple party dress and she had stuck the pendant of her usual, spooky necklace in her hair. She growled at the digital reflection. Why had she ever wanted to go to this stupid dance, anyhow? Then she remembered the laughter. Her sibling's horrible, vexing laughter, and the terrible hatred that flowed through every fiber of her being just THINKING about that wretched sound. If she had to go to this stupid dance with even stupider Zim just to silence the hideous laughter, so be it.

Even now she could hear Dib's horrid laugh.

Wait. Dib had left fifteen minutes ago to pick up his date. Someone else was laughing. She could hear the jovious sound coming from downstairs. Disturbed by the thought of someone enjoying themselves, Gaz exited the dark sanctuary of her room and descended the staircase. The Doom-Child could hear the laughter coming from the kitchen, there were two people laughing, seated at the kitchen table, one of them was her father, the World's Greatest Scientist, and the other...

"Zim." Gaz said, staring at the Irken's attire in disgust. Though it seemed as though the two at the table hadn't notice her yet. The disguised Irken seemed to be coming to the punchline of a joke.

"And... and then she said: "But, honey! This one's eating my popcorn!"" This caused the Professor to throw his head back in laughter, slamming a fist against the table in his highly humored state. After another moment of laughter, the World's Greatest Scientist finally noticed the presence of his only daughter.

"Ah, daughter! There you are! I was just getting to know your date, here!" He leaned in to speak aside to his daughter, "This one is a keeper, he's a SCIENTIST!"

Zim gave a chuckle and a modest wave. "Oh, I've dabbled here and there! Once turned someone inside-out until they exploded... no big deal!"

"Oh, but here we are chatting like old skool-chums and we haven't even complemented your dress, yet! You look lovely, child!"

"Indeed! She is considerably less hideous than usual!"

"Ho-ho! You!" The Professor wagged a finger at the Evil Alien. "Ah, but it's about time you two were off to the dance! TO THE FAMILYMOBILE!"

The Professor picked up the unhappy couple, placing them on each of his shoulders as he charged out the front door and into the minivan he had parked on the street. After strapping his daughter and her date into the backseat with more seat belts than was necessary for a fighter pilot, the Professor kicked the van into gear and they were off. "Well, children. We should arrive at our destination in a few minutes!"

The World's Greatest Scientist lifted a finger in the air, as he spoke. "Which makes this as good a time as any to inform you kids about the Birds and the Bees!"

Gaz gave a groan whilst Zim seemed genuinely intrigued to learn more about avians and apoidea and what secrets they may have been withholding from him. "Yes, YES! Tell Zim! TELL ZIM!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in space. Skoodge and Minimoose had reached Saturn and were patiently waiting for the Brudal Bikers to arrive so that they might negociate a different destination for their party. "Alright, little buddy! Let's go over the checklist one last time!"

The floating, purple ungulate gave an affirmative squeak, clutching a checklist and pencil in his little, purple nubs.

"Opening Speech!" Skoodge said, holding up a brief script he had written for himself.

_Squeak!_

"Lighthearted jokes!" The portly Irken held up another piece of paper.

_Squeak!_

"Complementary Muffin Basket!" He held up a basket full of baked goods, fresh from the oven.

_Squeak!_

"And last but not least, a winning smile!" Skoodge said, grinning wide. A sparkle reflecting off his teeth.

_Squeak-squeak!_ Double Check!

"Well, then! Looks like we're set! Just in time, too!" The Retired Invader said, pointing out the window at the approaching Brudal Swarm. Despite there not being any sound in space, the roaring of their Space Bikes' engines could be heard from the Voot Cruiser. "Wow! Sure are a lotta them. Hope we brought enough muffins!"

_Squeak!_

They had not. And this was about to end badly.


	4. Chapter 4

One rather awkward car ride later the passengers of the Familymobile found themselves arriving at the Skool, swarms of children dressed for the occasion poured through the facility doors, headed towards the auditorium to get down and or jiggy with it. The Van pulled up to the Skool entrance, releasing Gaz and a rather disturbed-looking Zim from the coils of it's seatbelts.

"Such... HORRIBLE... things..." The Irken said, hugging himself and shuddering as he recalled the lecture he had just been exposed to. "... and it had nothing to do with BEES! NOTHING!"

The Doom-Child just gave a grunt, having been taught all this in First Grade, it didn't exactly phase her anymore. "Hey, you're the one who asked."

"How was I supposed to know that the vile, winged creatures' secret was the method of human reproduction?! Huh? Huh?! HUH-" Zim suddenly found his gut sharing an intimate moment with Gaz' fist. "Oof! My organs!"

"You were starting to sound like Dib." The Doom-Child said, giving the Irken doubled over in pain as much of an apology as he was going to get from her. "You understand."

Zim was about to respond, offended at Gaz's accusation that his speech patterns were beginning to match those of her brother's when aforementioned big-head arrived upon the scene. The son of Membrane had forsaken his usual T-shirt and Trenchcoat for a Tuxedo, hanging onto his arm, shockingly, was a girl. Gretchen, the ugliest girl in Skool, the only female in the Skool that would willingly be seen with Dib, was hanging off of the big-headed boy's arm and was looking as happy as she could be.

"ZIM!" The colossal-craniumed hero of Earth exclaimed upon seeing his nemesis. At the sound of the annoying ruckus that was Dib's voice, the Irken whirled around.

"DIB!" Zim spat out in loathing, a look of pure hate upon his face as he glared at his arch-enemy. Dib returned the glare with gusto, looking the evil alien right in the contact-covered eye.

"Smiles, children!" Professor Membrane commanded, holding up a camera to take a photo of the unhappy couples. As the flash of the camera captured the moment for all eternity, Gretchen was the only one who appeared to be smiling whilst Zim and Dib continued to stare each other down and Gaz was caught mid-eye-roll. Of course, the Professor didn't seem to care much.

"Well! My parental work here is done!" The World's Greatest Scientist declared, tossing the camera over his shoulder as he reentered the van. With the press of a button, the Familymobile transformed into flight mode, adding a bit of context to the heavy seatbelts (as well as making the joke significantly less funny). "Farewell, children! The world needs me!"

As the Hovervan's jet thrusters kicked in and sent the vehicle speeding off towards Membrane Laboratories, one last yell could be heard from the Professor as he disappeared into the distance. "FOR SCIENCE!"

After the father of the year's departure, Gretchen gave a drool-laden laugh. "Your dad is cool."

"So, this is how far you've sunk to, you filthy alien? Dragging my sister into your wicked schemes?!" Dib said, pointing at Zim accusingly. Gaz sighed, smacking herself on the forehead.

"Dib... for the last time... I asked HIM to-"

"The Gaz has chosen to side with the superior species, a wise move, it seems your stink-sibling clearly possesses more brains than you, Dib-worm! Despite the enormity of your freakishly freakish freak-skull- OW!" Zim found his behind briskly caressed by one of his date's heavy, spiky boots. Obviously the Doom-Child was not forgiving when it came to interrupting her.

"I asked HIM, Dib." Gaz finished, crossing her arms. The Irken grumbled as he rubbed his sore behind. Dib had his arms crossed as well, sulking for a moment before he spoke.

"... FINE! But, let's lay down some ground rules!" The big-headed then began to rattle off a list of things he would not allow the other couple to do, on his authority as big brother. The things mentioned on the list seemed to be making the Irken sick at the thought of performing such acts with a human whilst Gaz seemed to be getting angrier and angrier both at the mere suggestion she would do anything on that list with Zim and the fact that Dib seemed to think he had any control of her actions if she DID decide to do such things filled her with rage. "... and no nuzzling or surprise Caribbean Getaways and definitely- DEFINITELY... no hand-holding!"

Zim was about to shout something when he suddenly felt a gentle-ish kick to the side of his leg. As he looked down to the source of the kick he spotted Gaz's hand at her side, open defiantly. The Irken got the message and held his own hand open at his side, this drew Dib's attention as he watched the loathing couple's hands slowly drift towards eachother.

"Stop that! No! Nonononononono-" The big-headed boy's vocabulary was suddenly shortened considerably as his sister and his nemesis clutched eachothers' hands, rendering him unable to communicate other than in panicked wheezing and sputtering.

"Come on, Zim..." Gaz began, speaking through clenched teeth and not breaking the intense glare of indignation she held upon her sibling. "... we're late to the dance."

"Of course, Gaz-beast!" The Irken's free hand shot up dramatically, "Let us BOOG-I-I-I-E!"

The Human-Irken couple left Dib to his asthma attack and headed into the Skool, Zim with a smug smile on his face, upper teeth overlapping his lower lip and Gaz who just glowered.

"... Ow. Ow-ow-ow-ow! OW! Squeezing... too hard! Zim's hand... crushed! OW!"

* * *

MEANWHILE IN OUTER SPACE!

It is common knowledge among the space-fairing races that when you scream in space, no one can hear it. Well, this wasn't true in Skoodge's case. EVERYONE could hear it.

The portly Irken was by no means having fun at the moment. Sure, it had started out nice, he had contacted the Brudal Bikers and had given them his proposal of pursuing a different planet to wreck with their intense partying. That had all gone swimmingly.

Then the Brudal gave their response.

Skoodge was surprised to discover that the Voot Cruiser may as well have been a deep-fried mooshminky considering how quickly the brutes had torn it apart to get at him. After pulling him from the ship, the Brudal bound his legs to a chain attached to the back of their leader's Spacebike and were now road-hauling him upon Saturn's rings. And whilst the pain of being dragged across the orbiting fields of ice and rock was excruciatingly painful, it did give him time to think.

Mostly about the excruciating pain.


	5. Chapter 5

As they entered the Skool Auditorium, Zim realized that this was one of those few times where GIR was actually correct. There were cows, everywhere. The Skoolboard really went all out on the decorations, there were cardboard cut-outs of rabid cattle everywhere and a giant, animatronic cow suspended from the ceiling was foaming at the mouth, the dripping foam collecting in a puddle on the floor which a few children appeared to be playing in. At the far end of the auditorium was the dance floor, possessing enough lazers and smoke machines to be the envy of many nightclubs, a giant cow head served as the Booth for the D.J. who was currently laying down the sick beats upon the poor, unsuspecting Skoolchildren. Dib, who had managed to recover from his asthma attack, looked around the stadium with a curmudgeonly look.

"Yeah, they can afford all this, but we've still got to eat ketchup and rice at lunch." The Big-headed boy sighed as he headed over to the Poop Cola Stand, which effectively replaced the punch bowl, situated next to the _Pet Twitchy Bessy_ live cow attraction. "Gimme a Poop."

"Swiggity-swag!" The vendor, none other than Poop Dawg, cheerfully exclaimed as he snapped his fingers at the colossal-craniumed child, turning around and pouring a red, party cup full of Poop Cola. It was whilst his back was turned to the child that the costumed mascot allowed himself to weep silently, he knew this entire dance was just one big, insidious plot by the Poop Cola Corporation to get the kids addicted to the foul, caffeinated drink at an earlier age, but he was powerless to stop it. He could feel a part of himself die with each drink he poured for the poor, unsuspecting children, but what else could he do? The Corporation had his family. Perking himself up a best he could before turning around and giving the poor, unknowing child the foul drink he said, "Here ya go, shawty! Be sure to hollah to yo homies all 'bout the POOP-tastic taste of Poop Cola!"

"Ahuh, sure." Dib said dismissively as he took a swig of the sweetened liquid, heading away from the stall to keep an eye on his sister and his nemesis, hopefully avoiding another asthma attack. Poop Dawg let a single tear roll down his cheek as he watched the poor, doomed child go.

Meanwhile, Zim and Gaz were approaching the dance floor, the Irken grinned evilly as they came up to the crowd of dancing children, "Yesss... soon these squirming, flailing fools will behold the superior dancing skills of ZIIIIIM! Their feeble, spastic movements can not hope to compare to ZIM'S-"

"Yeah, I don't like dancing. Let's skip that." Gaz grunted, instantly deflating the Irken's rant as she turned away from the dance floor. Zim was wide-eyed, he had not anticipated this turn of events, he couldn't dance without a partner!

"B-But, Gaz-smell! The dance! My plans! My INGENIOUS, ZIMMY PLANS! Why?! WHY?!" Gaz rolled her eyes as she began to head off to get herself a soda, and perhaps pet the mad cow, when she spotted Dib. He was pointing and laughing at Zim's misfortune. That horrible, nasally laugh. That's when the Doom-Child's memory of Dib's list came flooding back.

"... and no dancing!" The memory of Dib said, arms crossed smugly. Then hideous, demon moose-monkeys tore him and Memory Zim to bits.

Gaz's hands formed into fists and her jaw clenched. Real Zim, on the other hand, looked confused and a little bit disturbed. "... I don't remember the moose-monkeys- ACK!"

The Doom-Child grabbed the Irken, tearing off his idiotic top-hat and dragged him towards the dance floor. "You BETTER not make me look stupid, Zim."

The Invader scoffed at the mere thought that anything he would do could look stupid as he pressed a particularly stupid-looking button on his watch, activating the M.E. Chip in his Pak. "Prepare your spleen, Gaz-worm!"

A few beeping sounds could be heard from his Pak as the chip took effect, causing Zim's limbs to snap into position as the subroutines took control of his extremities, his arms and legs flailing accordingly to the current song. Gaz groaned at the smug look the alien gave her before joining in, showing as much happiness as she usually displayed (none at at) as she moved to the upbeat, happy, techno music.

Meanwhile, Dib just stood in complete shock at what he was seeing. His sister was dancing, WILLINGLY dancing with Zim, who actually seemed to be doing quite well. Too well. "Waitaminute! Zim can't dance! This has to be some kind of trick! I bet he has something just HORRIBLE planned! I have to get closer to find out how he's doing this!"

Thinking quickly, he grabbed his date's hand, dragging her onto the dancefloor and burst out in dance. The alien noticed the close proximity of the other couple and scowled.

"So, the Dib-stink thinks he can out-dance the mighty Zim, eh?!" A communication device extended from the Irken's Pak for him to yell into. "GIR! Pump up the noise! Pump up the FUNK!"

The music suddenly changed to a different track, as did the alien's dance. Zim grinned maniacally at his big-headed nemesis, daring the other couple to keep up. Dib, of course, took the bait and so the dance duel began. Half an hour and several song and dance styles later, Dib and Gretchen found themselves to have been thoroughly served by the human-alien couple. The big-headed boy had to take a breath, glaring at his green-skinned enemy with hatred while Zim just laughed maniacally, having defeated his colossal-craniumed foe. A crowd had gathered around the Irken and his Demon-Seed date, who were currently riverdancing, and started to cheer on the mixed couple and their impressive dancing.

"I... I think I... I figured... figured it out." Dib wheezed as he spoke aloud to himself more than anyone else. "There's no way Zim could ever be that good on his own! He must have some kind of movement override device controlling his limbs like he was some kind of horrible, alien meat-puppet! I have to get to the D.J.!"

The big-headed boy struck a heroic pose briefly before staggering off to the D.J. Booth. As he climbed up the cow's head, he was surprised to discover the identity of the Disk Jockey was none other than Zim's Robot Dog, who was currently sitting upon one of the vinyl records upon the turn table, squealing happily as he rotated, a pair of headphones upon his head. Noticing Dib's fat head peering at him over the side of the cow's head, GIR waved happily at his master's arch-enemy. "HI, HIPPOHEAD!"

"Um..." Aforementioned Hippohead stared at the insane automaton for a moment, wondering how he was going to get rid of him. "... Zim said you could take five to... go pet the rabid cow!"

Letting loose a high-pitched squeal of delight, the dog-suited D.J. leaped into the air and activated his jet-boosters, sailing across the auditorium. The headphones slipped from GIR's head, it's strangely elastic cord snapping them back to the booth, hitting Dib right between the eyes. After picking himself up off the floor and scaling the cow's head, again, the big-headed boy slipped the headphones on (how they managed to fit on his enormous head is beyond me) and grinned wickedly as he got to work. "Let's see how you like THESE beats, spaceboy!"

Back on the dancefloor, the Irken and his human dance partner were Cossack Dancing through a remix of Jolly Boots of Doom when suddenly the music stopped. All those upon the dancefloor looked around in confusion at the silence while the alien, no longer being controlled by the M.E. Chip, fell on his backside. "Hey! What is this?! GIR! Where is the music?! Zim was just about to win the love and adoration of all these miserable stink-monsters! YOU DARE THROW OFF YOUR MASTER'S GROOVE?!"

"SHE LIKES ME!" The communicator answered with insane giggling and deranged mooing.

The Irken was about to chastise the simpleton automaton when his wish for more music was granted. Oh, was it granted. For what poured forth from the speakers was not one, but several songs played over each other. Zim's eyes widened in horror as M.E. Chip let out an alert. "ALERT! ALERT! SYSTEM OVERLOAD!"

"No! NOOOOOOOO!" The alien howled as the Chip attempted to execute all the corresponding dances to the music given, with less than desirable results. Dib laughed his horrid, nasally laugh as he watched his arch-enemy flail about like an epileptic octopus in a paint-shaker. Said laugh would be his undoing, though, as the sound drew the attention of his sister. While Gaz would have normally enjoyed watching Zim, or anyone else for that matter, being forcefully shaken like a baby, the combination of the awful sound of the overlapping music, her sibling's horrendous laughter and the fact that the Irken's spasms might reflect badly upon her as his date, the Doom-Child decided to put a stop to this. The big-headed boy was so busy laughing and snorting at his nemesis' misfortune that he didn't even notice the presence of his spooky-sibling behind him, fists clenched and ready to send him to a dimension of pain and suffering from which he might never hope to escape. Whilst Gaz would have most certainly sent her colossal-craniumed brother to said dimension, she opted for something quicker. Grabbing the dial on the turntable controlling headphone volume, the violent, little girl turned the knob all eleven clicks up to the appropriately labeled EAR BLEED volume.

**"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!"**

Zim was laying limply upon the floor in exhaustion as Gaz returned, giving him a swift kick in the side. Emiting a pained squeak, the Irken scrambled to his feet, the music temporarally stopped, he had control of his own limbs, again. He shakily held his arms up in the air, wheezing and panting as he gave a meek cheer, "V-... Victory... for... Z-Zim!"

It was at that moment, unfortunately, that GIR returned to the turntable, a sizable part of his costume's face having been bitten off by the crazed cattle, and took over for the deafened boy laying upon the floor in pain. "This one's for all you lovemonkeys out there! I LIKE MONKEYS!"

The Irken's eyes widened in horror, having forgotten to deactivate the chip during the brief respite in the music, his limbs shuddered as the rich sound of Carne Beat came over the speakers in a minor key. In a flash, the alien's hands were linked with the Doom-Child's as the M.E. Chip's Tango Subroutine was activated. Gaz suddenly found herself pressed cheek-to-cheek with the ugly, green boy, dancing one of the most intimate dances known to mankind. She was none too happy about this situation.

_"Ziiiiiiiiiim."_ Little Miss Demon-Seed growled, teeth clenched. "You'd better let me go, RIGHT NOW!"

"I-I have no control! The M.E. Chip has taken over! The only way to stop it is to-" Zim was interupted as Gaz decided to test out her own theory, driving her knee inbetween the Irken's legs. The kick did little to discourage the chip, but it did cause the alien a significant amount of pain and made Gaz feel a little better. Zim's eyes watered as he managed to squeak out, "... wrist button."

The Pain-Princess' eyes darted to the rather obvious button on the Invader's wrist, unfortunately the chip had Zim's hands locked too tightly on her own, she was forced to wait until the opportune moment. The Cosmically-Crossed Couple's Tango redrew the attention of the other children, who quickly formed a crowd around the dancing duo, watching Gaz's humiliation with rapt attention.

* * *

MEANWHILE!

Back in Saturn's Orbit, the portly Irken's body had carved lines upon the rings circling the gas giant like scratches upon a vinyl record. The Brudal had dragged the poor, retired Invader around the planet for several laps and were now-

Wait, where did they go? Huh, guess they must have left while we weren't looking. Well, #$%.

Back to Earth, I suppose.

* * *

!ELIHWNAEM

The Tango of Torment came to a close as Zim dipped his dread-inducing dance-partner down low with one hand, holding the other up high as the audience applauded the spectical. Gaz gave a grunt, pulling herself up quickly to press the button upon the Irken's wrist. The human and alien collapsed in a heap on the floor as soon as the chip was deactivated, the other skoolchildren returned to dancing as GIR dropped another phat beat.

"We never speak of this, ever again." Gaz growled as she got up, dusting herself off. "EVER AGAIN."

Zim spat out the rose he had held between his teeth during the dance (I dunno where he got it) and spoke, "Agreed."

"ZIM!" Came a shout from an approaching, big-headed figure.

The Irken recognized the voice immediately. "DIB!"

"WHAT?!" The colossal-craniumed child shouted, not two feet away from from him. Zim raised an eyebrow.

"I said-"

"WHAT?!"

"I SAID-"

"WHAAAAT?!"

"I... SAID...-"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

"Is it this annoying when I do it?" Zim asked, pointing at Dib whilst looking at the big-head's spooky sibling. Gaz just nodded.

"WHAT?!" Dib said, sticking a finger in his ear.

"Inferiorhumanstinkchildsayswhat!"

"WHAT?!"

Zim burst out in his usual maniacal laughter as he had cunningly snubbed his arch-enemy. "MUHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I'm so clever."

The Irken's happiness was short-lived however, for a moment later the auditorium doors were blasted off their hinges, one of them colliding with Poop Dawg and effectively killing him for the remainder of this story. Standing in the gaping hole where the heavy, double doors once stood were two, hulking, gray-skinned aliens in leather jackets.

"THERE HE IS!" Exclaimed the first Brudal, whom we will refer to as Ridge due to his defining feature being his mohawk, as he pointed a fat finger at Zim.

"LET'S GET 'EM!" The second Brudal, whom we shall refer to as Pierce due to his nose-ring (of course, his species not possessing a nose, the alien had just stapled the ring onto his face), cried as he slammed a fist into his palm.

Zim screamed as he and Gaz were snatched up by Ridge while Pierce grabbed Dib and one of the Coolers of Poop Cola from the now-unmanned stand before heading back to their spacebikes parked just outside the Skool.

The Skoolchildren continued to dance, unaware of the hideous spacebikers that had just abducted three of their fellow students and liberated one of the coolers.


	6. Chapter 6

Shortly after their arrival on Earth, the Brudal had set up camp in a forest clearing a fair distance away from the city, it was here that the kidnapped alien and earthlings found themselves after a short ride on spacebike. The Intergalactic Renegades had built themselves a few bonfires and were currently engaging in a variety of masculine activities, arm wrestling, chugging space beer and taking turns punching eachother in the face to name a few. As the captives were carried through the camp, Zim looked around in confusion.

"Wait, this isn't right! Whenever the Brudal arrive at a planet they immediately head towards the nearest populated area and wreck it! What is this?!" The Irken demanded of the brute who's hand was currently enveloping his entire body.

"SHADDAP!" Ridge shouted at the Invader, clenching his fist briefly around the green boy's body, causing Zim's eyes to bulge like fat sausages.

"Oh yeah, that's attractive." Gaz grunted as she watched the Irken's contact lenses pop out, she would have found it funny if she wasn't being carried around like a doll by the burly, gray-skinned, alien biker.

"WHAT?!" Exclaimed the big-headed boy who's hearing had yet to return.

"Shut UP, Dib." The Doom-Child growled.

"WHAT?!"

The two kidnappers then came to a halt right outside the circle of the largest bonfire, a fat Brudal wearing a top hat and a tiny cape, whom we shall refer to as The Wizard, greeted them with a grunt. "YOU BRING 'EM?!"

"SURE DID!" Ridge said, blowing the wig off the top of the Irken's head and holding him up for The Wizard to see. "SNAGGED HIS OLD LADY, TOO!"

"BRUDAL!" The Wizard exclaimed. It was common practice amongst the Brudal to use their race's name as a positive epithet.

Gaz sneered at the biker's assumption of her relationship to Zim while Pierce pitched in with his own bounty. "I SWIPED ONE OF THEIR COOLERS! AND THIS WOBBLY-HEADED BOY!"

"WHOA! THAT IS A BIIIIIIIIG HEAD!" The Wizard said, taking Dib from his captor's hand and looking him over. "S'LIKE A LIVIN' BOBBLEHEAD BOY!"

"A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AH!" The big-headed boy screamed as the top-hatted Brudal shook him about he was a newborn baby, wanting to see his head bobble.

"THAT'S JUST NEAT! A'RIGHT! TAKE THE LITTLE GREEN ONE AN' HIS SQUEEZE TO THE BOSS! HE WANTS TO SEE 'EM!" The Wizard commanded sitting down upon one of the logs they had laid about the bonfire as makeshift benches as he continued to shake the screaming Dib. Ridge and Pierce headed around the bonfire, approaching the leader of the spacebiker gang.

"WE GOT THE OTHER IRKEN, BOSS! AND HIS GIRL!" Ridge shouted proudly. "HE THE ONE?!"

The Boss tore his eyes away from female Brudal dancing in front of him to look over the captives, he looked to be middle-aged, streaks of gray highlighted the curly, black hair that hung from under the bandana on his head and his face looked like forty miles of bad road (even more so than the other Brudal). "YEAH, THAT'S HIM! SMALLER THAN I THOUGHT HE'D BE! PUT 'EM DOWN!"

As the Irken and his human date were set down, the Boss Brudal shoved the dancer off of the space cooler (from SPACE) and into the bonfire, opening the box and pulling out a couple cans of space beer and tossed one to Zim. "HAVE A COLD ONE!"

The Irken found himself knocked right over by the Brudal-sized can that was thrown at him, the cylinder of liquid crushing his organs. "... thanks."

"YOU'RE **WELCOME**! NAME'S WAR'THOGG! I'M THE BOSS OF THIS GANG! PROB'LY WONDERIN' WHY WE AIN'T ROCKIN' THIS PLANET INNA RUBBLE YET, AIN'CHA?! WELL WE WAS GONNA!" The Boss laughed, cracking open his space beer before jerking his thumb over to what looked like a piece of meat on a chain that was hanging from the tree. "THEN THIS'N SAYS HE AIN'T REALLY THE INVADER 'CHARGE O' CONQUERIN' THIS ROCK!"

Upon closer examination of the hanging meat, it turned out not to be a piece of meat at all, but a mangled, road-rashed Skoodge, his limbs curled up like a dead bug's and twitching, a rock from Saturn's rings was lodged into his head. "I... am... PAIN."

Zim, upon seeing his best, if not only, friend hanging from the tree like a torn up piece of animal bait, scoffed in annoyance. "You had one job, Skoodge! ONE!"

The Irken Chewtoy gave a high-pitched squeal of pain, limbs curling further inward against his mangled body. "Eeeeeee..."

War'thogg threw a pinecone at Skoodge to shut him up. "ANYWAY! THIS FAT, LITTLE SHNORK-BOOGER TELLS US THAT THIS PLANET IS BEIN' CONQUERED BY NONE OTHER THAN THE INFAMOUS INVADER ZIM!"

The Invader perked up as he heard his name and perked up even more as he heard the cheers of the other Brudal.

"YEAH!"

"WHOO!"

"INVADER ZIM ROCKS!"

This unexpected attention surprised the Irken at first, then he remember than he WAS Zim, he was more surprised that this kind of thing didn't happen more often. As the cheers of the spacebikers gave the alien a head almost as big as Dib's monstrous melon, he turned back to address Boss War'thogg. "So, word of my Zimness has reached even the primitive ear-holes of you hideous morons, has it?"

"YOU DANG SKIPPY IT DID! TAKIN' A FRONTLINE BATTLEMECH ON A RAMPAGE THAT ALMOST WIPED OUT YOUR ENTIRE CIVILIZATION?! THAT KIND OF SADISTIC STUPIDITY IS THE KIND OF THING WE ALL STRIVE FOR! YOU'RE THE MOST BRUDAL IRKEN, EVER!" War'thogg exclaimed, throwing his enormous arms up in the air in cheer.

"So you'll leave Earth alone and go party someplace else?!" Zim exclaimed in hopeful excitement

"NOPE! WE'RE STILL GONNA TEAR THIS PLANET A NEW ONE!" The Irken's antenna drooped at this, but the boss continued. "BUT, WE FIGURED ANYONE AS BRUDAL AS YOU DESERVED THE CHANCE TO NEGOTIATE!"

"Wait, I thought your race hated negotiations." The Irken said, rubbing his chin.

"WE HATE ANY NEGOTIATION THAT DON'T MEET OUR RIDICULOUSLY EXTREME STANDARDS! YOU WANNA NEGOTIATE WITH US, YOU BETTER NOT BE BRINGIN' NO WUSSY MUFFIN BASKET, BOY! ALTHOUGH THEY WERE DELICIOUS! NO, YOU WANNA NEGOTIATE WITH THE BRUDAL, THEN IT HAD BETTER BE CONDUCTED WITH STUPIDITY AND RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT OF LIVES!" War'thogg stuck two fingers in his mouth and gave a sharp whistle, his minions carrying his Spacebike over to him as he untied his bandana, revealing his bald, shiny head. "WE EACH GRAB AHOLD OF THIS BANDANA AND RIDE OUR SPACEBIKES WITH RECKLESS ABANDON THROUGH A LAP OF THE CITY! WHOEVER IS STILL HOLDING ONTO THE BANDANA AT THE END OF THE RACE WINS!"

Zim crossed his arms and stroked his chin, thinking about this for a moment. "Hm... that DOES sound pretty stupid-"

"YOU DANG RIGHT IT IS!"

"Alright, I'm in! But, Zim requires a spacebike!"

"ALREADY DONE!" The Brudal leader waved his hand and a handlebar-mustached Brudal mechanic brought out a space bike they had made out of the torn up remains of Zim's Voot Cruiser. "WE GOT BORED WAITING FOR YOU!"

As the Spacebikers prepared the clearing for the race, Zim hunched over a control pad, a cruel grin on his face.

"You're seriously going to race that idiot? Didn't think you could GET any dumber." Gaz said, arms crossed as she addressed the idiotic Invader.

"Your heartfelt concern is noted, Gaz-worm! But, the cunning Zim has a plan! I'm reprogramming the M.E. Chip to keep me from letting go of the bandana!" The Irken said, finishing up the adjustments to the chip's programming.

The Doom-Child rolled her eyes at the green boy's plan. "Yeah, 'cause that makes it less stupid."

"Fear not, earthmonkey! Your world will be saved! Y'know... until I destroy it." Zim giggled impishly as he strode over to the Voot Chopper. He mounted the refurbished spaceship and grabbed his end of the bandana, activating the M.E. Chip and locking his hand in a deathgrip around the cloth. The Wizard came over and started the countdown.

"ON YER MARKS!" The Top-hatted Brudal took a sip of his space beer before continuing. "GET SET!"

The Irken and the Brudal boss both revved their engines, eyes narrowing and teeth gritting as they waited for the next word. The Wizard took another sip of his space beer and was about to start the race when he succumb to a coughing fit, doubling over as he hacked up a lung, after a few awkward moments the top-hat wearing spacebiker waved his hand, "Jus' go! GO!"

The Brudal cheered as the deafening roar of the engines sent the two racers off into the night, the sound fading off into the distance as they sped off above the treetops. The Spacebikers' cheers died down as they lost sight of the racers.

"... Now what?"

"I dunno."

"... LET'S DRINK MORE!"

Gaz groaned, not only had Zim left her alone amongst what she suspected to be the only race more loudmouthed and obnoxious than him, but there was a good chance he was going to lose the race and doom the Earth to the Brudal's partying. The Doom-Child wouldn't have minded, of course, but it was getting late and she doubted she could get any sleep with all the racket the alien brutes would cause as they decimated the planet. She really hated the idea of having to save the planet again, but someone had to do it, she supposed. Shouldn't be too difficult, Gaz thought as she looked around for something she could use when she overheard the two Brudal who had captured them.

Pierce had searched the cooler they had stolen from the dance and had cracked open one of the cans of Poop Cola. He took a sip of the foreign drink before making a face of disgust. "UGH! THIS EARTH SWILL IS MAKING ME SICK! IT TASTES LIKE ROADKILL! Uh, I mean- SPACE ROADKILL!"

Ridge had a similar reaction, spitting out the sweetened, brown liquid all over his staple-faced friend, "BLEH! I CAN'T BELIEVE THE EARTHLINGS WOULD DRINK THIS!"

_Yeah, that'll do._

"I bet I can drink more of that stuff that you guys can." The Doom-Child said, approaching the two aliens that had abducted her group (as it were) from the dance.

"YOU'RE ON, EARTHLING!" The Brudal duo exclaimed as they began to down the foul drink.

* * *

Meanwhile.

Zim was beginning to have second thoughts about the situation as he flew over the treetops, screaming in terror. War'thogg just laughed, he was in his element, after all. The Brudal Boss brought the front of his chopper down, causing the two bikes to dip beneath the treeline for a brief moment, causing the Irken to catch a squirrel in his mouth. Turning his head to the side, Zim spat out the arborial rodent that had interrupted his screaming, which he continued when he noticed that they had exited the forest and were now flying through the city at an irresponsible speed. Unaware of the Irken's inability to let go of the bandana, War'thogg guided the other racer's bike into telephone poles, streetlights, abnormally tall people, anything he could think of to try and shake the green alien's resolve. Of course, Zim's resolve was already shaken harder than a baby (That's three references to shaking babies I've made in this story, now. I think there's something wrong with me) and if he could have given up, he would have, but he had no way of switching off the M.E. Chip without letting go of the bike. Impressed by the Irken's apparent resolve, the Brudal Boss decided to up the stakes and guided the bikes right towards the side of an office building.

* * *

Meanwhile.

"Hippleshmertz! I asked for those W.T.F. reports this morning! Where are they?!"

Bobby Hippleshmertz hated his job, especially his over-demanding boss.

"I don't care if you gotta stay in this cubical all night! I don't care if you have to stay in this cubical for the rest of your natural life! Your soul belongs to me, son! And I expect whatever pointless report I ask you for without warning to be done within a faction of the time with would take you to finish it! So, you're going to sit there and you're going to-"  
It was at that moment that a pair of racing, alien bikers crashed through the window on the far side of the office, flew through the building and out the other side, clothes-lining Bobby's boss between their bandana as they roared past. Hippleshmertz stared in awe at the broken, plateglass window the bikers smashed through on their way out, dragging his boss with them to plunge to his death in the streets below.

"I'm... free... I'M FREE!" Bobby cried, ripping his shirt off in excitement as he was overjoyed by the demise of his horrible boss.  
Then a large chunk of ceiling that the aliens had knocked loose gave way and Hippleshmerts was crushed by a copying machine from the next floor.

* * *

Meanwhile, back to the race.

War'thogg was truely impressed by the Irken's apparent resolve at this point, they were coming to the other side of the city, they would have to loop back around to return to the camp. That's when the Brudal decided to kick things up a notch.

"LET'S KICK IT UP A NOTCH!" War'thogg exclaimed as he drove the bikes downwards as they exited the city and reentered the woods, this time below the treetops. "YEAH, BABY!"

Zim spat out the coffee machine he had caught in his mouth when they had flown screaming through the office building. Not having anything poignant to say at that moment, however, he decided to continue screaming like a howler monkey as the bikes jerked left and right, narrowly avoiding the trees, leaves, twigs, thorns, rocks, Bigfoot returning from visiting his cousin the Abominable Snowman, all whizzed past as the choppers roared through the woods. It was then that War'thogg decided to end it, guiding the two bikes towards a lone tree in their path. The Irken screamed and the Brudal laughed as they flew right at the tree, the solid flora caught them right between their bikes, splitting them apart and throwing them crashing back into the clearing.

"Ugh..." Zim groaned, pushing himself up from the ground and wiping his forehead with the shredded bandana in his clenched fist. The Irken gasped as realization dawned on him, shooting up into a victory stances he cried, "VICTORY FOR ZIM!"

"NOT QUITE!" The green alien stared wide-eyed to his right, where War'thogg had landed, the Brudal held up his hand, the other half of the shredded bandana gripped in his clenched fist. "LOOKS LIKE IT'S A TIE!"

"Eh? A tie?" Zim's antenna shot up in confusion. "... What does that mean, then?!"

"Dang, this was my favorite bandana..." The Brudal muttered as he looked over the shredded piece of cloth. "Oh, um! I SUPPOSE IT MEANS WE BOTH WIN!"

"So, you'll leave the planet and leave ZIIIIM to conquer it in peace?!"

"SORT OF!" War'thogg then turned to the camp, "C'MON, BOYS! WE'RE GONNA TEAR THIS PLANET IN HALF!"

There was no answer.

"BOYS?!"

The racers strode over to the camp to investigate why the other Brudal hadn't responded. As soon as they stepped back into camp, it was obvious why they hadn't responded. Laying upon the clearing floor were the Brudal Bikers, sick as the Perpetually Sick Dogs of Pukepuppia, empty cans of Poop Cola were scattered around the groaning aliens. And sitting upon the cooler, sipping a cold can of Poop Cola, was Gaz.

"'Bout time you idiots got back."

As War'thogg started kicking at the bodies of his fellow bikers, seeing if any of them were well enough to break the Earth in two, Zim approached the Doom-Child. "Gaz-monkey! How?!"

"Dared them they couldn't drink as many as I could." The plum-haired, pain princess said with a shrug.

"But, how did you know that the disgusting, human beverage would fell them?!" The Irken still couldn't believe what had happened.

"Lower tolerance." Gaz said, taking another sip of her soda. "Remember the Skool fieldtrip to the Poop Cola Bottling Plant-slash-Sewage Treatment Center?"

Zim had tried his best to repress that particularly disgusting memory, yet the human's words brought it all flooding back to him. "EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW! WHY ARE YOU STILL DRINKING THAT?!"

The violent, violet-haired girl just shrugged, taking another sip as War'thogg returned from checking on his minions.

"WELL, SPACE-CRUD! LOOKS LIKE MY BOYS ARE DOWN FOR THE COUNT! GUESS WE WON'T BE TEARIN' THE PLANET IN HALF, THEN!"

Zim shot his arms up in success, "VICTORY FOR ZIM!"

"-'STEAD, I'LL JUST TEAR YOU IN HALF!" The Brudal Boss said, cracking his knuckles and advancing on the Irken, when all of a sudden.

_THWACK!_

War'thogg hit the ground like a sack of steel potatoes, an indentation in his skull. Standing on his back, holding a tire iron was Skoodge. You know when you shake a baby enough (That's four times now!) it will eventually turn into a hulked out, raging horror and kill you and your family? Well, that is basically what happened to the portly Irken, who was now straddling the Brudal's head and driving the tire iron into the gray humanoid's skull, over and over and over again. Zim watched in shock as the gentle, stupid Skoodge he once knew and abused was going ape-dung crazy upon the Brudal Leader's head while Gaz just watched with an eyebrow raised in mild interest.

"Welcome... to EARTH!" Skoodge said as he pushed himself back up, still looking as though he had just been scrapped up off the highway, panting heavily he walked over to the other Irken.

"Um, good work, Skoodge!" Zim began, looking around a bit nervously, "I suppose we'd better get these primitive, stupid beasts out of-"

The Invader couldn't finish his sentence as the portly Irken pulled him by the shirt to speak right to his face, "You hold onto her... you hold onto her and you NEVER let go!"

"Ugh... s'that all you've got-" War'thogg's groaning words were cut short by another strike from the Irken's tire iron.

"You two go... I'll handle this..." Skoodge said, looming over the unconcious Brudal.

Zim took this oppertunity to back away from the mad, fat Irken and go check on his human date. He found Gaz standing over her big-headed sibling, who was currently laying on the ground and wearing a neck-brace (You want to know where he got it? So do I.).

"Gaz-smell!" The Irken began, glad that the colossal-craniumed one was still unable to hear what he was going to say. "Zim is beginning to realize that your presence is not as... horribly wretched... as Zim once thought..."

"Gee, thanks." The Doom-Child said, giving her brother a push with her foot, rolling him along.

"What Zim is trying to say is... perhaps you and I might have-"

It was at that exact moment that the twelve-something sodas that Gaz had downed whilst felling the Brudal finally took effect.

**"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!"**

The Irken's antennas were swept back by the explosive force of the human's belch, which lasted for a good six seconds before leaving the alien standing there in shock.

"You were saying?" The Doom-Child said, wiping her mouth off on her sleeve.

The Irken just twitched and mumbled incoherently in a similar state of mind to someone who had just stared into the abyss and found an eldritch horror staring back at him.

"... Whatever." Gaz scoffed as she shoved the alien's wig and contact into his shaking arms before returning to rolling Dib towards the closest road she could find so that they could call a cab. Leaving Zim standing there twitching in horror and having forgotten what he was going to say.

* * *

Some time later.

The Brudal Bikers had recovered (mostly) from the poisonous soft drinks and were riding off into space, following War'thogg as he lead them to their next party destination.

Pierce was the first to raise the question, "HEY! IS THE BOSS LEADING US INTO THE SUN?"

Ridge, still looking a little green from the horrid soda, responded. "Y'KNOW, I THINK HE IS!"

Lastly, The Wizard replied. "THAT'S BRUDAL! LET'S DO IT!"

The Bikers all cheered and hollered as they rode off into the sun, unbeknownst to them that the Brudal at the head of the pack was currently drooling and unconscious, a tire iron lodged in his skull, and what was really leading them was an autopilot device attached to his Spacebike. From a fair distance away, Skoodge and Minimoose (who had been used as an antenna topper by the bikers after he was captured) watched from afar, slipping on sunglasses as they watched the deranged vagabonds fly straight into the sun.

The portly Irken turned to the floating, purple moose. "I can't think of anything clever to say. What about you?"

The diminutive ungulate gave a squeak, causing Skoodge to burst out laughing.

"That... That was PERFECT! Ahhh! C'mon, little buddy! Let's go home!" The retired Invader said as he popped a space-wheelie on the Voot Chopper and headed back for Earth.

THE END.


End file.
